Going to Bed with Caroline Vreeland: Kegels in Confidence

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Going to Bed with Caroline Vreeland is a new column on CR about everything between the bedsheets and more. Have a question? Comment? Flirty note? Email CV at online[at]crfashionbook.com.

While sex is a very physical thing, it’s also completely internal. One thing I’d like to discuss here—in the beginning of our journey together—is confidence. Confidence, both in and out of the bedroom, as well as the distinction between it and beauty. Please remember that the latter two almost never go hand in hand. After all, we all have that drop dead gorgeous friend who secretly suffers from crippling insecurity.

So where does confidence come from?

In my experience, confidence draws from a rare ability to not give a shit. To be unapologetically yourself. To go beyond accepting your flaws, to love yourself in spite of them. I’d like to share my number one secret to confidence with you, but before I blow my load, let’s back up a bit. (Consider it foreplay.)

I wasn’t born with confidence, but rather, with what I believe is the key element to the root of confidence: I was born with no shame. Hear me out. I was blessed with the ability to see the importance of owning your flaws. I can’t explain where this really came from, just that since a very young age, I’ve never been turned on by perfection. The oddballs and the imperfect have always been way more exciting to me. I realized that if I embraced and celebrated my flaws, then everyone else would have to follow suit. This is my superpower.

This power is not the confidence to feel sexy or fierce, it is the knowledge that no one wants to really see perfection. They want to see vulnerability. Nowadays—with Instagram and FaceTune and Kardashian bodies everywhere—our perception of this fact is more lost than ever. But to me, perfection is boring. Once you let go of the shit you’re scared people will find out about you on their own, you’re immediately liberated. No one can have anything on you, because you are already free and you still love yourself as you are. The world still turns! It’s amazing to me how people react when I exercise this. It’s like a weight has been lifted and everyone in the room is instantly more comfortable. Not only will you now be free, but you’ll be immediately more attractive to others because they will feel more connected to you through your vulnerability.

“Ok CV, but how do I actually let go—especially in the bedroom?” First you ask yourself,
“What’s really the worst that can happen?” You get on top and your partner sees a stomach roll? That’s not what they’re focused on or caring about while you’re doing what you’re doing, trust me. Nothing gets the libido going more than realizing that your partner is fully embracing the moment, and letting go of this weird world’s decisions of what’s perfect or acceptable. That’s what gets the dick hard, so to speak. Also, if you’re feeling physically unconfident, I dare you to open your computer. Go to any porn site. Please guys, porn isn’t the devil (more on this later…) Now, type in the thing you feel is weird about yourself. I promise you, it will come up as a category that speaks to someone’s fetish. Yes, honey, your-so-called flaw is someone’s fetish! People love all sorts of things and if your partner tells you they don’t like the thing you’re insecure about, then they aren’t the right partner. You don’t need to waste your time trying to please Jim from apartment 2C’s Napoleon complex. You’re better than that. You’re going to be the hottest thing someone has ever fucked and it won’t be because of your appearance. You’re attractive because you love yourself, not despite the flaws, but because of them.

I certainly don’t think this whole issue of self image and self esteem can be magically cured by my own personal trick; loving yourself for who you really are is a lifelong lesson. But I do believe that if we can be a little nicer to ourselves for standing out amongst the pack, we can learn to honor the unique beauty in our distinctive differences.

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