Going to Bed with Caroline Vreeland: Cunnilingus for Dummies

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by

bernhard

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Going to Bed with Caroline Vreeland is a new column on CR about everything between the bedsheets and more. Have a question? Comment? Flirty note? Email CV at online[at]crfashionbook.com.

You barely see a man going down on a woman in straight porn anymore. It goes right from the man “picking” his young prey in a short skirt to a weirdly and not intimate tongue kiss to an eager, sloppy blowjob on the part of our heroine, to rough doggy style and back into the blowjob for the ending crescendo. Where’s her pleasure? Where’s the reciprocity? And—what’s worse—is that we are now subversively being made to think that this must be more than enough for our girl. (It should be said that a lot of girl-on-girl porn is a lot more about foreplay by the way, as women innately understand the importance of a slow build for maximum pleasure).

Recently I came across a book on my boyfriend’s nightstand called She Comes First. I, of course, was thrilled that he was interested in this kind of knowledge on his own free will. Like any good girlfriend, I wanted to share his interests and so I delved right in. One huge revelation for me while reading was the fact that before Victorian times it was perceived that both the woman and the man needed to orgasm in order for a baby to be made. So said the text: “Societies revered a woman’s sexuality as a life-giving force, and celebrated it with elaborate sex rituals that took place in temples and included costumes, incense, poetry, music, feasts, and wine.” It was lit.

Before this was disproven by science, a woman and a man’s orgasm were both of equal importance. After the female orgasm was declared “unnecessary, unseemly, and perhaps even unhealthy,” a woman’s pleasure fell by the wayside. So why don’t you guys want to make us cum anymore? After all, we do carry your sperm to fruition. And whats more is that if you make us happy, we’re much more inclined to return the favor and rock your world.

So why aren’t you eating us out? I’m not trying to call you selfish. I’m trying to get to the root of the problem. Is it that you don’t know how? Allow my one-year-ish stint in the lesbian community to guide you with what I call the recipe for success.

Ingredients:

  • Multiple willing fingers
  • One soft, wet tongue
  • Ability to breathe under water
  • Good, can-do attitude

Instructions:

1. Pre-heat her oven to 690 degrees (we already spoke about the importance of foreplay, fellas).
2. Drizzle with spit.
3. The tongue should touch the clit with the pressure that one would touch their own eyelid with their fingertip, so light.
4. Arrange the first and second finger at the base of the vagina. Don’t get ahead of yourself, you’re still licking lightly. Less is more here.
5. Just keep those fingers there. As you continue to lightly indulge with your tongue, you will notice that the woman will start to stir. Here is where your power comes into play…you’re getting her to beg for it.
6. When the time is right—and you will know when that is—you slide in. Now while enthusiasm is appreciated jackhammering is not welcome. What’s gonna get her off is quite the opposite. Slow and upwards motions, baby. Feel the wall? You’re doing good…
7. Stir consistently, until…
8) Let yourself marinate in your glory for a few minutes, you’ve done well.
9. Here’s the best part; it’s not done; she wants more.

And don’t forget: this isn’t a scary conversation to have! Talking about sex with your partner should be fun and exciting! You should be able to enjoy and understand yourselves both in and out of the bed.

Normally at the end here I would ask for suggestions for next week. This time I want to switch it up: I want testimonials. I want to hear how it went when you put this all to practice. Bon appétit!

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